The Summer of Jon: Czech Rail

22 May
English: CD class 682 007-0 Supercity "An...

English: CD class 682 007-0 Supercity “Antonín Dvořák” (SC 16) from Vienna to Prague crossing the first bridge over Thaya (Dyje). Note: the second rail track was under reconstruction at that time (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

For the past week I have attempted to buy a rail ticket from Prague (Praha) to Vienna (Wien). I have had a few difficulties since I am not a native Czech speaker and everything about the website confused me. I am no rookie when it comes to navigating foreign language websites, I know how to find the button near the top of the website with an American or British flag (I can read and write in British also) and push the little icon. These icons can be helpful when a traveler might be language challenged like me. I did have five years of Spanish classes and I can say some pretty entertaining things in Spanish like: “There are many tacos in the airport.” “The elephants are very long.” “The door is closed.” These key phrases have helped me when making my Spanish-speaking relatives laugh, but I have yet to travel to a Spanish-speaking country where I needed to use this wealth of language.

My language limitations have not stopped me from doing what most Americans do when traveling: expecting everyone else to speak English. This makes it hard for me to have meaningful conversations about philosophy or global politics, but I can live with that. I doubt if I spent the next 30 days studying Icelandic it would pay off anyway. Icelandic people speak English better than most Americans and how often will I be called upon for the rest of my life to say something in Icelandic?

So, back to the Czech rail site. I have tried unsuccessfully for about a month to buy tickets for my trip from Prague to Vienna. I finally figured out that I cannot buy tickets from the website until the trip is within a 60 day window, for German rail it is 90 days  so I was semi-aware that this could happen to those of us that want to have our trip planned out five years in advance. I waited until I reached the 60 day window and then I went to the Czech rail website to buy. I found the little “en” button at the top of the page and pushed it and the page was transformed into actual, readable English. I filled out the little boxes at least five times and got rejected each time. This was a bit frustrating because each rejection had the same paragraph about why my request could not be fulfilled. I switched a few things around, maybe leaving later would work, nope. Maybe I should try earlier, nope. Eventually I lucked out and my request was accepted. This was great, but I could not tell you why it worked or what magical combination you should select if you were going to be traveling between Prague and Vienna.

The next problem I encountered was selecting a seat. Reserving seats is for suckers because most rail passengers just grab whatever seat they can find, but since reservations were only 7 Czech monetary units (either 25 cents or $2.50, I think) I pulled the trigger on reserving a seat. The seat map was wide open since the rest of the world was not waiting to order their tickets at the moment they became available. This was mildly exciting for me. I looked at each of the train cars, thought about what it would be like to sit in different locations and then notice that some of the cars had those private four seat rooms. I have never traveled on a train with those little rooms so I narrowed the seat selection to the two cars with little rooms. One of the cars had a bike storage area and I decided that I did not want to be on that car since people stuffing their bikes on my train would get in my way. (The real reason had more to do with body odor, but that sounds even more shallow than having to wait to get to my seat. I figured people riding bikes might be sweaty and being in a little room with smelly people for four hours does not meet my romantic idea of traveling on rail.)

I finally narrowed down the seats and looked for a lucky number (77) near a window. I pushed the button, paid for the ticket and then had all kinds of second thoughts. Reserving a seat might put me in a little room with a pack of Gypsies, or even worse a pack of loud Americans. It was too late. My ticket was approved and I printed it off.

Hopefully my little room with be filled with travelers like me: quiet, and self-centered. Then we should all get along.

The Curse of the Sonics

16 May

Dear David Stern, Clay Bennett, and Fans of the Oklahoma Thunder,

I watched the NBA playoffs last night. Seeing the Thunder getting knocked out brought joy to my heart. Yes, I am one of those bitter Sonics fans who will always support any team other than the Thunder (by the way, worst team name in the NBA.) Yesterday was a bitter pill (it was decided that Seattle will not get an NBA team next year) and a then the Thunder lost and made everything better.

I will start with the bad news OKC fans, it is over. It was over last summer when you traded James Harden. Sure, you got two future first round picks from Houston. Those first round picks will land you outstanding middle-of-the-road talent. Late first round picks are worthless unless you have a GM who can see those diamonds in the rough, thank goodness no one in your front office will ever find one of those. Last year you landed Perry Jones (good work) two years ago you had three first round picks and got lucky once because you picked a Quincy Pondexter from the University of Washington.

Most of you are still thinking that Russell Westbrook’s injury was what prevented you from getting the NBA title. It could be, but it doesn’t matter because YOU LOST! It doesn’t matter why you lost, it just matters that you lost because you, my friends, have a cursed team.

Here is how the next ten years is going to roll out for your team. This summer your front office will go looking for a center who can play basketball better than your current centers. The team will pay this new player too much, in Seattle we call this the Jim Mcilvaine syndrome. The stars of your team will become disgruntled, demand more pay and then begin the next season with bad attitudes. The team will spin out of control for a little bit and then your front office will trade one of your best players to Milwaukee for Vin Baker, or a Vin Baker substitute of similar quality. Fans will rejoice and everything will be right with the  NBA until the playoffs start and your Vin Baker substitute isn’t quite as tough as your previous star. This is when the fun really begins, because now you (do you guys say “y’all” in Oklahoma?) will be unhappy with the direction of the team. People will begin questioning the coaching and front office. Clay Bennett, your owner/James Bond supervillain, will announce a few changes and then raise ticket prices. Fans will become outraged and the new “center will not hold” the team together.  Attendance will drop. The team will play like an NBA Developmental team and will finish in the middle of the pack in the Western Conference. Playoff loses will accumulate and after a few years the team won’t even make the playoffs. All of the superstar players you currently have will be too old to improve and will be traded away for younger players. Pretty soon your team will have one good player surrounded by twelve bad ones. This is when Clay Bennett will demand a new tax-payer funded stadium, oh, and he will raise ticket prices again.  He will claim that he needs to improve the facility in order to improve the team. People in the community will ask, “Didn’t we just spend X number of dollars ten years ago on a stadium?” This is when Smeagol (aka David Stern) will swoop in and start the blackmailing process. You will have to decide whether to pay up or have the team move to another city worse than OKC. Fresno? Bakersfield? Waco? Smeagol will do his best to find another owner in the city, he is not very good at this so he will have to find another owner somewhere else. A new owner will appear and he will promise not to move the team. You will try to believe him, but you know behind those dead eyes, pretend smile, and ape-like forehead that the owner is going to do his best to sink the team to unheard of depths so people will stop going to games. The owner will raise ticket prices, hire a terrible coach (is PJ Carlesimo available? He usually is.) and start planning his escape. The team will be so bad that they will get great picks in the draft and will begin building a solid, young team, but it will be too late, your team will be off to Fresno and you will be left with an empty, almost new stadium and a bunch of old OKC Thunder t-shirts.

That is where it will end, except the team will change its name to the Fresno Fog and begin their rise to playoff contention. Smeagol will appear occasionally to thwart any efforts your city will make to get another NBA team and he will continue sucking the blood out of communities to extend his life. You will watch the Fresno Fog from a distance, you will enjoy the talent on the team, but in the end you will hope they lose.

Thanks for a great season. See you next year when you lose in the first round.

Love,

Jon

 

 

 

What Happened to Chicago?

15 May

Like a pregnant woman who knows there is something out there that will meet her need,  I occasionally have a hankering for some new music so I  go to the iTunes store and try to fill the empty space. That’s right, I’m still buying music because I am so old-fashioned. Sometimes I find what I am looking for immediately, but there are times when I troll too long, get frustrated, and end up buying something I regret later.

 

Cover of "The Very Best of Chicago: Only ...

 

Remember Chicago?  Not the city, but the funky musical group, at least they were funky at one point and then somehow they turned into group whose primary focus was producing music for elevators. I remembered Chicago as I was looking around from music the other day, and swept up in a wave of nostalgia and consumer frenzy I purchase the 39 songs on Chicago’s The Very Best of Chicago: Only The Beginning. I feel a little betrayed and it is my fault for not taking the whole album out for a test drive. Chicago might have had 39 hits but 24 of them must have been hits in South Africa. (Note the subtle Rodriguez allusion that is no longer subtle since I wrote this sentence.) It was like I bought a tourist guide to the city of Chicago that is three hundred pages long, but two hundred of the pages are dedicated to the Cubs.

 

My ear can pinpoint the moment that Chicago started to suck, it was the moment they decided to stop blowing horns. The horn section of Chicago was great. Whoever decided to replace the horns with a synthesizer should be taken to the Hague and tried for crimes against humanity, and I don’t mean just the person that decided to do this for Chicago, I mean every single person involved in music during the 1980s who added a synthesizer and took away a horn section. It makes me a little sick to think I was somehow involved in these crimes, I listened to synthesizer music, I danced to synthesizer music, and I even thought that when Eddie VanHalen started playing the electronic keyboard that it was a good idea. My only defense is that my brain wasn’t fully developed at the time. I am certain that I could provide plenty of evidence to prove that I was temporarily insane for a period of 10 years: I wore bell bottom jeans, I had a perm, I thought Leif Garrison was cool (this alone would seal the deal.)

 

For the historians out there, something happened to Chicago around the year 1982 (again, speaking of the group, not the city). The songs pre-1982 are pretty awesome but almost everything after that is bad.  They had a couple hits with Peter Cetera and I liked the songs at the time, but now I am ashamed of myself. We all make mistakes. I am sorry.

 

The real reason Chicago started to suck isn’t really funny, but life often isn’t, the lead singer Terry Kath died of an accidental gunshot wound. I don’t remember any news of his death in January of 1978. I don’t want to sound overly sentimental here, but I think Kath’s death should rank up there alongside with the deaths of Jim Morrison, Janis Joplin, Jimi Hendrix, and Kurt Cobain. Spend ten minutes listening to Make Me Smile, Colour My World, and Saturday in the Park and then tell me that we did not lose one of the great vocalists in American rock history.

 

Why didn’t Chicago pack it in and call it good? I don’t know, but I wish Chicago had turned the amps off and left the stage.

 

Dreaming of the Summer of Jon

9 May

Last night I dreamt I was in Vienna. Since I haven’t been in Vienna before I can’t really speak to how authentic my dream was. For some reason Vienna looks a lot like San Francisco in my dreams. There are older, fancier buildings and fewer people speaking English in my dream version of Vienna than the real San Francisco, but for some reason my subconscious is making a connection between Vienna and SF. Maybe deep, deep in my mind there is some little spark connecting my childhood fascination with Vienna sausages and Rice-a-Roni. (This reference will not make sense to most people, but my mind is trying to tell me something and I need to get to the bottom of it.)

So here is the dream: I arrive in Vienna by train. I hop on a little street car and meet a family of Americans. You can’t get away from those damn Americans even in Vienna, they are everywhere in my dreams. I talk to the family a little bit, pretend I know more about Vienna than I do. (I don’t tell them that I only thought about Vienna as the capital of little hot dogs in a can until a few years ago.) I take a picture of a large white building (it looks a lot like the TransAmerica Building in SF) with my iPhone. I get off the trolley at the next stop and head underground to get on a subway. Here is where the dream gets a bit confusing, I buy a ticket, but remember that I left my luggage somewhere. I head upstairs and start looking for my luggage where I left it in a big library/transit station. It is odd that I would have left the luggage there because I have not been in this building before. I stroll around looking for my luggage and when I say stroll, I mean I am lollygagging. This is where my dream brain gets itself into trouble. I would never set my luggage down and just walk away and if I did, I would be frantically running around like Tom Cruise. (Watch any Tom Cruise movie, at some point Tom must tell the director, “We need a shot of me running because I am really fast.”) Vienna may seem like a safe place in my dreams, but in reality there are Russian gangsters all over the place. So instead of dashing around looking for my stuff, I just walk around like I have all day. Eventually I end up talking to some bearded guy working at a North Face store (located inside the library/transit station) and telling him that I should probably cancel my credit cards. He is confused because I am speaking English and he is Viennese and speaks just a touch of the Mother Tongue. He finally understands what I need and then I wake up.

What an unsatisfying dream. First off, I don’t get to see much of Vienna. I would hope my brain could create a better Vienna than that, but I guess not. Second, I never get to cancel my credit cards. I would like to have the opportunity to close that loop so I don’t spend the rest of the day wondering if someone is out there spending my money. Third, why can’t North Face hire a more helpful employee? I understand that my dream lacks a little verisimilitude, but come on North Face, why can’t you hire an American to help me out in my dream?

I do believe that dreams hold importance, but I’m not so sure about this one. I have been thinking more about my trip now that it is less than 60 days away so I guess my brain is trying to tell me to be careful. Maybe my brain thinks it is unwise to wander around Europe for a month, but that is where my brain is wrong. It is very wise and it is time my brain got on board and understood that Vienna is a safe city even if it is filled with Russian gangsters.

I knew this must be out there. Cue Tom Cruise running.

Gatsby: A movie review before seeing the movie

1 May

Cover of "The Great Gatsby"

I have not seen the new Great Gatsby movie, but it is going to be horrible. How do I know? I just do. I don’t think I am alone in my opinion. (No, I am not secretly a republican congressman, or a member of the 700 club.) First off, the movie was originally slated to open at the end of 2012. It could be that the producers were worried about the Mayan end of the the world and wanted to make sure the movie beat the apocalypse to the box office, but I suspect what really happened was that the movie was previewed and people said, “This movie sucks.” So the people in charge moved the release to May.

May is a great time of year for releasing…pollen? I don’t think there has ever been a great movie released in May. May is where bad movies go to die. What makes me an expert on movie releases? Nothing, I just have been living long enough to see movie releases pushed back, and not once has the push back been a good thing. If the movie had been pushed into the summer to compete with the mindless explosion movies, I might be more willing to believe that Gatsby is going to go on to be blockbuster, but it was moved to May where it will line up against other classics like Tyler Perry Presents Peeples, and Fast and the Furious 6.

My next problem is the director, Baz Luhrmann. I don’t know much about Baz other than he directed two movies that I hated: Moulin Rouge and Romeo and Juliet. His movies are very stylish, bright, and loud, but turning Fitzgerald’s Gatsby into a musically driven pile of bright colors and loud sounds isn’t going to make Gatsby a great movie. Take Romeo and Juliet  for example, the play is pretty good. The writing is solid and I believe the guy who penned the play knew what he was doing. Then along comes Baz who decides to spice up the play by adding loud noises, flamboyant outfits, and a gaggle of young actors that are way, way over their heads. A few of the actors did not seem to understand the words that were coming out of their mouths and so Baz gave them these two directions: “Yell the lines if you don’t know what the words mean.” Or, “Whisper the lines if you don’t know what they mean.” Shakespearian language is not about yelling and whispering, it is about understanding the words and speaking them as the writer intended. Leo DiCaprio was about the right age for Romeo, but he was terrible in the movie. Painfully terrible in my opinion. I realize that I am not the target audience, but there were times when Leo looked confused by the sounds coming out of his mouth. Someone needed to explain to him that the words were actually in English. Having the director who brought out the worst in Mr. DiCaprio does not bode well for Gatsby. Leo is older and a much better actor these days, but can his experience overcome the flashy stylings of Mr. Luhrmann? I hope so, but I doubt it.

Some books, even really great books, cannot be made into movies. Gatsby is tough to translate onto the big screen because it is Fitzgerald‘s writing that makes the book special. The plot isn’t much to get excited about (mysterious rich guy woos an old flame), but there are passages in Gatsby written by the angels sitting on Mr. Fitzgerald’s shoulder. Those words cannot be turned into a loud, flashy movie about the Roaring Twenties.

Hemingway wrote in A Moveable Feast ”His [Fitzgerald] talent was as natural as the pattern that was made by the dust on a butterfly’s wings.  At one time he understood it no more than the butterfly did and he did not know when it was brushed or marred.  Later he became conscious of his damaged wings and of their construction and he learned to think and could not fly any more because the love of flight was gone and he could only remember when it had been effortless..” (This is one of the nicer things Mr. Hemingway said about Fitzgerald in the book. Hemingway had a way of saying something cutting and complimentary at the same time.) Fitzgerald’s novel The Great Gatsby is a butterfly also. It is beautiful and floating, it moves quietly, it darts up and down, and then it rests. The butterfly is beautiful and should be enjoyed for what it is, but I fear Mr. Baz  Luhrmann fingers are covered in butterfly dust and a once beautiful thing is lying on the ground struggling to live.

50th Anniversary: What’s the big deal?

24 Apr

50 years is an arbitrary combination of moments and experiences that are significant because life is short. When I was young life seemed long and endless, a series of lengthy summers connected and lengthened only by the boredom of the school year. At that time in my life 50 years was a concept that didn’t really register. Most of us assume that our lives will be lengthy and special,  but life is incredibly brief and most of the time not especially special. Most of the time we plod our way through life occasionally looking up to see what is on the horizon, or looking into the past to see where we have been. If our journey has been a lengthy one we are encouraged to mark it and celebrate our accomplishment. We make a big deal about people working for 40 years in the same job, the Today Show celebrates people who live 100 years, and when people have been married for 50 years we all look on with amazement.

This week my parents celebrate 50 years of marriage.

Observing this marriage from the outside there were times I wondered how these two people ever came together and married. I’m sure this is something most children think because we have no concept of what our parents were like before they met us. We can page through old yearbooks, look at pictures, hear stories, but in the end what we create in our heads is a fictional representation of who our parents were when they were single.

The English poet William Wordsworth wrote of “spots of time.” He described these spots as the moments in our lives when time expands and slows to show us something amazing. Almost all of us experience these moments in life, when the world slows and no longer marches to 4/4 time. These moments eventually mix with other memories and turn into something significant. These spots can sometimes be life-changing events and other times can be the mundane happenings of the everyday that for some reason become more than just a trip to Safeway. In 50 years of marriage my parents have had their spots of time, but I am certain they do not know how significant a few of those moments were for me.

When I was in high school I may not have been the easiest child to parent: I was self-centered, sure I was right about everything, and confident that the world would soon bow down to my every whim. (In other words, a typical American male at the age of 18.) My mother figured she could sand down some of my rough edges and turn me into someone who cared about other people more than myself, it was a foolish endeavor, but one that many mothers attempt to keep their little boys from destroying the world. Her efforts were not appreciated and we spent a good portion of my high school years in a state of cold war (which was appropriate for the time period.) School became a place for me to escape, and I spent as much time away from home as possible.I buried myself in playing basketball, and during the season I would arrive to practice early and stay late not just to work on my game, but to be away from home. One evening our team had a late practice so I left home about an hour early. When I arrived at the gym, no one was there so I got in my parents’ truck and decided to drive around a bit. I won’t go into the dirty details of how I rolled the truck off the overpass because it isn’t important to the story, but let’s just say I was driving too fast and was suffering from a condition called “teenager.” As fate would have it, I caught a ride home with a friend, and left the truck at the bottom of the on-ramp. When I walked into the kitchen the first words out of my mom’s mouth were, “Why aren’t you at practice?” I told her that I had just crashed the truck. I was fully expecting to receive a verbal lashing, but my mom surprised me. She grabbed me, and didn’t ask about the truck at all. She was worried about me. I wasn’t really injured because my body was made out of some kind of rubber that just bounces off stuff and never gets hurt (these days my body is more like rubber that has been left in the sun too long) but she checked to make sure I didn’t have any head injuries and then called my dad to come home. Neither of my parents lectured me about what an idiot I was; they showed me that they still loved me beyond all my selfish and stupid acts. At the time I really needed to know that my parents would be there for me throughout my challenges because no matter how old you get, no matter how confident you are, you still need to know that your parents love you more than they love their truck.

I was four or five when my parents sat me down on my bed and asked me if I would like to have a brother. I did. Then they asked an odd question, “Would you like an older brother, or a younger one?” Even at that age I knew the answer: Younger. Only sadists want an older brother, sane people order younger brothers when given the option. My parents didn’t own a time machine so I really didn’t understand how they would acquire an older brother. Nevertheless, a few months later our family drove to one of the Montana metropolises (Miles City? Great Falls? Butte?) and picked up a little brother. He was a chubby-faced little Native American boy who became the sixth member of our family, Mike. At the time it seemed like a pretty normal thing to do because when you are a kid everything your parents do seems like the normal thing to do. Looking back on Mike’s adoption now I see that it was not a normal thing to do. People who adopt children are not normal, they are extraordinary. My parents brought Mike into our family because they do that kind of thing. I don’t know the real reason my parents decided to adopt Mike, but I do know they met each other while working on a reservation in Arizona and their entire lives they have helped other people. Even today, when they are both older than Methuselah, they are busy helping others. Their commitments to causes and those less fortunate has been a focus of their marriage. Their two daughters (aka my sisters) are both involved in occupations that are attempts to carry on this tradition of assisting others. My older sister, Kay, lives in El Salvador and has been saving the world from there for about 20 years. My younger sister, Jenni, lives in Oregon and helps developmentally disabled children. My parents will probably be helping other people right up to their final moments of life and that is one of the reasons I believe they have been together for 50 years.

When I was in 7th grade and life was as miserable as it should be for a 13 year-old kid, my parents took another risk. My dad had a chance to exchange jobs with a minister in some strange country I had never heard of: New Zealand. So after making all the arrangements with the church he was serving in California, we packed our bags and spent a year living in New Zealand. My older sister was just entering high school, my brother and younger sister were still pretty young and I was just starting to become the problem child I would blossom into a few years later. It must have been a difficult decision for them, but it was life-altering for me. I can say that living in New Zealand changed the course of my life. The experience of living in another country should be a requirement for all people of the world. Just one year away from your preconceived notions of what the world is like will shake all of your stereotypes and prejudices out of the tree. I went to NZ thinking that the American way was the only way and the best way in all cases, but I came back with an understanding that the rest of the world does not always agree with that. I still think America is pretty great, but live in a country with universal medical coverage and gun control and you begin to understand that maybe, just maybe there are other ways of doing things.

One of the reasons my parents are still active and able to celebrate 50 years together is because they were married at a relatively young age. I remember thinking that I would be waiting until I was at least 30 before deciding to get married. It didn’t work out that way. I met a great young lady in college, we went on a series of dates, she attempted to dump me several times, and eventually my charms overwhelmed her to the point that I was making a long-distance phone call to my parents to let them know that I was going to be getting married. My mom asked how we were going to afford to live and I told her that we were going to live on love. I still think it was a very funny line, but no one on the other end of the phone laughed. They might have been tempted to try to talk me out of getting married, but they didn’t.  I am certain that my parents thought I was being impulsive and stupid, but they have changed their tune over the 24.9 years I have been married. By the time my wife and I were married my parents loved her as much as I do. At our wedding ceremony my dad spend what seemed like three hours telling the gathered band of misfits how he and my mom were certain there was no one in the world stupid enough to marry me, and that Cheryl turned me into a decent human by being such a sweet and wonderful person.  (I am condensing the speech a bit, but that is what I remember.) My wife and I spent a few years working odd jobs to finish up college, and in a way, we really did live on love. I like to think my parents have been living on love for 50 years, but in reality there probably have been tough times. I really don’t know when those tough times were because my parents have always looked pretty happy together.

My parents will celebrate their 50th anniversary with a trip to the Netherlands and Belgium to look at tulips. It makes me really happy to know they will be traveling someplace far away together, although looking at tulips sounds like something you can do in the backyard. The life they have experienced together has been long, but I am sure it has been just a flash to them. The 50 years of marriage is just a marker, the real accomplishment is living on love for 50 years. Robert Frost writes in his poem Birches that, “Earth’s the right place for love,” and it is. Love is what has held my parents together through tough times and it is what brought them together. It is what keeps them dedicated to helping others, and it is the legacy they are leaving for everyone who knows them. Happy 50th Mom and Dad, and thanks for being my parents.

Hey, Macklemore, can I come to your Pizza Party?

21 Apr

My son and daughter have grown up in a family of two English teachers so it is not unusual for all of us to talk about fictional characters as if they are real. My children have not suffered because of this phenomenon, but there have been times when it has confused my kids.  The tables have not only turned, the tables have been upturned as my children have gotten older. The world they exist within is not the same world I grew up in, but like any supremely cool parent (sarcasm intended) I have tried to allow them to exist within this alternative universe while doing my best to educate myself about this other place. It is why I have attended my first rap concerts, learned to text message, watched the stupidest television shows ever produced, and kept my fingers crossed that I wasn’t a terrible parent.

This past week I learned a few more things: 1. Each year Seattle rapper Macklemore has a pizza party for his fans, 2. There is always a contest to get into the pizza party, and 3. Columbia City is not a bad place to spend three hours if you have not been invited to Macklemore’s pizza party but your daughter has.

On Tuesday morning, I received an email from my wife (we still like to communicate the old-fashioned way) that informed me that Owour sent a text to my daughter and invited her to Macklemore’s pizza party. I knew who Owour was because my daughter talks about these Seattle rap folks by first name, and I have seen him on television several times jumping around with Macklemore and Ryan Lewis as they played that “funky” music the children love so much.

The invitation was an unexpected and generous act that caught us unprepared. The party started a 6PM and was in an area of Seattle that my wife and I were not familiar with, so that meant I would be going. I get to venture into the unknown because I am taller than my wife and don’t mind getting lost.

We live a bit away from Seattle so it was a dash to make it to Columbia City in time, it didn’t help that the Mariners were having a game downtown, but we made it to the pizza party in time for my daughter and her invited guest to stand in line for a few minutes before being swept in through the VIP entrance. It was a little like taking her to the airport and dropping her off for a three-hour trip to some place fantastic. I know enough about the band to know that she was in a safe place with some great people.

Here is what her evening was like:

The line to get into the world premire pizza party.

The line to get into the world premiere pizza party.

Em, Jon, Ray

My daughter with the director of the Thrift Shop video (Jon Jon), and Ray Dalton.

Shoes

Macklemore’s shoes. I believe those are Ryan Lewis’ shoes to the right.

same love

Macklemore, Mary Lambert and Owour performing Same Love.

While my evening was not as glamorous, I did manage to survive. I ate an entire pizza in about ten minutes. Wandered down to Starbucks and watched some old ladies knit up a storm.

IMG_0524

This is before Charlotte arrived. Once Charlotte showed up some serious knitting went down.

I found a great eyeless gnome.

IMG_0527

My son was afraid of gnomes when he was younger, so I took a picture of this guy and sent it off to my son with this message, “Is this under your bed?”

I ate a small plate of nachos.

IMG_0525

After the pizza, I could not finish the entire plate of nachos.

After the pizza, the coffee at Starbucks, the discovery of the gnome, and the plate of nachos, I still had about an hour to waste. So I wandered aimlessly around the streets until it got dark. I did discover a “Gentleman’s Club” just down the street but decided that even though I am a gentleman, I should probably skip that one. (I did not have my top hat and tails with me.)

My daughter eventually emerged from the party and by all accounts had a great evening. She saw the world premiere of Macklemore and Ryan Lewis’ new video, met lots of people, witnessed a mini-concert, and most importantly had an experience that she will remember forever.

If there is one thing life has taught me it is that experiences are priceless. My greatest regrets are when I passed up opportunities to do something because it was slightly inconvenient or cost more than I was willing to pay. I look back on those handful of opportunities with the knowledge that the $40 I saved by not seeing Pink Floyd in Auckland was wasted someplace not as memorable, the $75 I didn’t want to spend to rebook my flight to include a Fijian stop-over probably got spent on rice and beans in Spokane, and the chance to drive to LA to see Linton Kwesi Johnson in concert would have made me tired for work on Monday, but it would have created a memory that I still have today. It is those moments I regret, but those are the moments that help to remind me that driving to Seattle on a Tuesday night and getting back late was worth it even if the only thing I got was heartburn and a great big hug from my daughter.

Here’s the new video if you were curious.

I’m not panhandling! I’m holding a three ring binder!

11 Apr

I have reached a new historic high in grumpiness. The other day I found myself yelling at someone across one of the wide sidewalks in downtown Seattle. It didn’t happen just once in my little stroll, it happened three times. The first time was when a young lady dressed in a blue ACLU shirt and holding a three-ringed binder yelled to me, “Would you like to help gay rights?”

I yelled back, “No!” Now if I were walking down the street in the bible belt I might have gotten a bunch of slaps on the back, but in downtown Seattle that kind of attitude is not widely accepted. My son thought it was pretty funny because I sounded like a homophobic jerk, which for the record I am not.

Two blocks later it was a young man wearing a Save the Children shirt holding a three-ringed binder, “How would you like a tax break?”

Well, I would like a tax break, but I yelled at this poor young man anyway, “I would like a tax break, but I’m not going to give out my personal information to some stranger on the street holding a three-ringed binder.”  I’m sure he didn’t hear my whole rant because I didn’t slow down to give him the pleasure of my company.

Two blocks later I ran into a dancing three ringed binder guy, I don’t know what charity he was supposedly working for because he was dancing like he was at a Grateful Dead concert and all the spinning around made it hard to read his shirt, but this guy wanted a fist bump. I did not give him the pleasure of a fist bump, but I did give him a very angry look.

I don’t like these people. It isn’t that I don’t like them personally, it is that I don’t like what they are doing. I am certain that charities are looking for new ways to get money, but this is just stupid on multiple levels. The first time I ran into someone doing this guerrilla fund-raising was in London about ten years ago. She was wearing a green tunic with Oxfam printed boldly on it and I was still young and naïve enough to be interested in what she was doing on the street so I stopped and had a 30 minute discussion about her charity. They were trying to help homeless kids get off the streets and back in school. I like Oxfam, I think it is a great charity, but in the end I told her that I would not be giving her my credit card information. She was disappointed, but are there really people stupid enough to give a complete stranger their personal information just because they have a three ringed binder and a t-shirt? I can get a t-shirt made for about $10 and I could also print off lots of colored pages from websites to make me seem to be working for those organizations. I could even get a plastic badge made to look even more official.

Seattle, like many cities these days, has laws against aggressive panhandling. Homeless people are not allowed to loiter and  aggressively ask for money, but if you wear a t-shirt and dance around like you are on acid, you can be as aggressive as you want. Charities like the ACLU should know better. Are they really expecting people to give credit card information to complete strangers? I can’t imagine that this form of “fund-raising” is successful, and I can only imagine how personally damaging it is to the poor saps that have to deal with jerks like me. I felt bad for two whole blocks after I told the ACLU girl that I didn’t want to help gay rights, because I really do want to help with gay rights, I just don’t want to help Russian gangsters steal my credit card number and go an a vodka spending spree.

Little Jesus: The End

5 Apr

That night Mrs. Sanders dreamt Peter met Satan in the desert just outside of Palm Springs.  They stood on a bluff overlooking a collection of life-sized dinosaurs built in the 50′s in an attempt to get tourists to stop on their way to Los Angeles. Peter and Satan stood looking over the desert as the sun dropped toward the horizon.

“Let’s walk down there, Peter,” Satan said pointing toward the dinosaurs.

“Okay,” Peter said. “I will walk with you, but you know I can’t stay long.”

“We have three days, Peter. You know that.”

“Yes.” Peter nodded his head, “Yes, I know.”

As they walked side-by-side Satan tempted Peter with words, but Peter did not respond. Peter’s robe dragged in the dirt and spiny plant seeds attached themselves to the dusty cloth. Peter did not care. He let the robe gather all the dried, dead things without lifting the purple fabric from the ground.

“Peter, do you like dinosaurs?”

“I do. I like that one best,” Peter said pointing at the Brontosaurus.

“Hmm. I like the T-Rex.”

“You know The Bible says the meek shall inherit the Earth.”

“I do know that. None of these animals inherited much.”

“They’re not animals, they’re lizards.”

“Peter, did you know you can climb inside the Brontosaurus?”

“No.”

“Yes, you can climb up the neck to the mouth and then see all the desert.”

“That sounds like fun.”

“Would you like to do that?”

“No, I don’t like close places.”

“You mean you fear small places? Places like closets?”

“Yes, closets scare me.”

“Because of your father?”

“Yes.”

“Peter, all of this could be yours,” Satan said pointing to the dinosaurs standing in the desert.

“I don’t want all of this,” Peter said moving his arm from left to right.

“What do you want, Peter? I can give you whatever you want.”

“Peter Jones,” Mrs. Sanders found herself standing next to Peter. “Peter Jones, you will not make a deal with the devil.”

Satan turned and glared at Mrs. Sanders, “I know you, Rhonda Sanders. You should not be giving advice to Peter Jones.” His words slash through Mrs. Sanders. “I know your heart and I know what you don’t want young Peter to know about you. So you be quiet.”

Bile bubbled into Mrs. Sanders’ throat burning the back of her tongue. Mrs. Sanders shuddered and tried to gather her breath. Peter grasped her hand and squeezed it. She looked down at Peter as he looked up at her. He tugged on her hand as his eyeliner-colored chin quivered. Tears filled Mrs. Sanders’ eyes but she could not speak.

“So Peter, what do you think? I can give you anything you want. What do you want?”

Peter turned and looked at the devil, “Do you know what I want?”

“Yes I do, Peter. I know exactly what you want.”

“No, Peter! Do not follow the devil,” Mrs. Sanders blurted out.

“I told you to be quiet! Now, Rhonda Sanders,” Satan sneered pointing a bony finger at her, “I will now reveal to Peter why he should not listen to you! Why no one should listen to you! If those little children and their parents really knew about you, Rhonda Sanders, those families would not want their children in your classroom.”

Mrs. Sanders jolted awake. Her heart raced. She looked over to her clock radio; the red numbers blinked 3:20.

She rolled over and stared at the ceiling hoping sleep would creep back into her.

At 4:13, Mrs. Sanders got up and showered. By 5:30 Mrs. Sanders was in her classroom.

The day moved in 20 minute increments: reading, science, PE, recess, math, lunch, writing, math again, recess, and finally social studies. She took her class to the busses, made sure each child got on the correct bus, and then went back to her room. She picked up a few items off the floor, put the chairs on top of the desks, moved the daily number, and then collapsed in her chair.

Mrs. Sanders wanted to quit, to pack up her apartment and leave it all behind. She remembered feeling this way before, after the affair and the divorce, but she had never felt so incapable of helping her students. She no longer cared if they learned their math facts, she didn’t care if they learned new words to read, and she didn’t even care if their penmanship improved. None of it mattered.

Mrs. Sanders stood up and walked over to the closet, put her hand on the closet door, and closed her eyes. She bowed her head  and prayed. Then she opened the creaky door slowly hoping for a miracle.

Peter’s purple robe hung in the closet right where Mrs. Sanders left it. She reached out and grasped the robe; spiny plant seeds fell from the hem of the fabric as she tugged the robe off of the hanger. She lifted the dirty hem towards her face and stared at the dust and dried seeds. She shook the robe. Particles of desert dust and planet seeds fell to the ground. Mrs. Sanders shook the robe again and again. More and more dust and seeds covered the tile floor.

Mrs. Sanders bent down to pick up a few of the seeds, as she leaned, a marble sized piece of paper fell from the robe. The paper ball bounced off the tile floor and rolled under a nearby desk. Mrs. Sanders tossed the purple robe over her shoulder, took a step, bent down, and picked up the small ball of paper.

She walked back to her desk and unrolled the paper ball. Mrs. Sanders flattened the half-sheet of paper on her desk.  Bright red illuminated letters covered the crinkled paper spelling out a single word, “Forgiven.” A tear dropped from her eye splashing on the desk. She wiped the tear away with her hand and took a deep breath. She smoothed the paper out several times, opened her desk drawer, found her clear packaging tape, and cut two lengths long enough to cover the half-sheet of paper. Mrs. Sanders centered the paper on her desk, placed the first piece of tape over the paper and gently smoothed the paper and tape to her desk. She then placed the second piece of tape over the rest of the note and pushed out all the trapped air bubbles.

After Mrs. Sanders finished, she got up, swept up the dust and seeds into a dustpan, carried them over to the sink area and sprinkled them in the class terrarium. She reached in the terrarium and carefully pushed the seeds into the soil with her forefinger. When she finished, she was pleased with what she had done. Then she sprinkled water over the dried, dead things and hoped that life would spring from the earth again.

Little Jesus: Part 2

2 Apr

The next day Peter was in class wearing his purple robe. Four other boys in Mrs. Sander’s class arrived dressed as disciples. Jason wore his blue bathrobe, Robert had on a brown cape he cinched around his waist with a rope, Ian wore his red Spiderman bathrobe, and Cody sat in his desk in his brother’s too large blue Snuggie. Before the morning bell rang three more boys showed up at Mrs. Sanders’ door looking for Peter. Peter took the boys to his cubbyhole, pulled out three light brown tunics, and handed them over. Mrs. Sanders watched the exchange as if it was a drug deal on a street corner, but she did not intervene.

Peter’s four classroom disciples spent the morning session mimicking Peter’s every move. If he stared into the corner, they stared into the corner; if he knotted his hands together, they knotted their hands; if he raised his hand, they raised their hands.

During recess Mrs. Sanders looked out the window and saw Peter strolling the grounds followed by 12 boys dressed in robes. She wished she had stored her lunch in her room.

After recess Mrs. Sanders had one of those magic sessions of teaching that happen about once a month for teachers of her skill. The students were attentive. They asked good questions and Mrs. Sanders had several “teachable moments.”  She talked about how math helped her with quilting and why it is always a bad idea to drink milk directly from the carton. As she walked the children to the lunchroom she felt good, but as soon as she left them she considered heading back to her classroom and searching for chocolate instead of eating with the staff.

She fought the urge to flee and entered the staff room. The normally quiet staff room was already as loud as the day before Christmas break and the roar could be heard in the outer office. When Mrs. Sanders stepped through the door she was greeted by Mr. Raymond, “Rhonda, did you know your little Jesus kid has kids in my class dressing in robes?”

“There are four of them in my class too,” Mrs. Sanders said moving over to the refrigerator to get her lunch. “I saw him at recess walking around with all of his disciples following him.”

“Yeah, I saw that too. One of the kids from my class has had a complete turn around,” Mr. Raymond said. “Yesterday this kid was one of those twitchy, can’t sit still, ADHD squirmers who just can’t stay in his seat. Today it was like someone filled his water bottle with Ritalin. He sat there, asked questions, and didn’t twitch at all. I’m ready to buy robes for my whole class if it keeps them all quiet.”

Mrs. Sanders sat down, “Yeah, I just had one of my best teaching session ever before lunch, but I’m worried.”

“About what?” Mrs. Miller asked.

“I’m not sure if I should say anything, but I gave a writing assignment yesterday about what the kids did over the summer.”

“We did the same topic in my class,” Mr. Raymond laughed.

“Well, most of the kids wrote about what they did, but Peter just wrote ‘My dad died’ and then drew a picture of a man hanging from a tree.” The lunchroom was silent.

“Rhonda, did you say your kid wrote that his father died this summer?” Mr. Stein asked from the other end of the long table.

“Yes, he wrote that his dad died over the summer and then drew a picture of a man hanging from a tree.”

“Is the kid’s last name Jones?” Mr. Stein asked.

“Yes, Peter Jones. Do you know the family?”

“I taught his father about twenty years ago. He was the Iraqi vet with PTSD who hung himself this summer. It was all over the papers. I can’t believe you weren’t told.  Rhonda this kid needs to talk to someone,” Mr. Stein said.

Mrs. Sanders closed her eyes and began to shake.

“It’s okay, honey,” Mrs. Miller said putting an arm around Mrs. Sanders. “It’s going to be okay.” The rest of the room was silent.

The door to the staff room shot open just as the first tears began rolling out of Mrs. Sanders’ eyes. Mr. Watkins popped into the room laughing, “You guys are not going to believe what is going on in the cafeteria. I took a picture with my phone.” He said presenting his iPhone to the closest staff member, “What’s goin’ on in here? Somebody run over a dog?”

“Did you just take this picture?” Mr. Raymond asked as he looked at the iPhone screen.

“Yeah, just now.”

“Okay, I know the kid probably has some problems, but this is hilarious. You guys have to look at this. Did they do this all by themselves?”

“Yeah, I just turned around and there they all were lined up just like the painting.”

“Take a look, Rhonda. This will cheer you up,” Mr. Raymond said handing the phone toward Mrs. Sanders. Each teacher along the way looked at the phone and laughed.

“You didn’t have them pose? I can’t believe they just ended up that way,” said Mr. Raymond.

“Nope, I just looked over and there they were. I don’t know how they kept the one side of the table empty, or who brought the loaf of bread, but it is dead on isn’t it?”

The phone reached Mrs. Miller, who was now acting as Mrs. Sanders’ protector, “Let me take a look.” A small excited laugh escaped Mrs. Miller. “Oh my gosh. You must see this Rhonda.” She held up the phone so Mrs. Sanders could see.

There on the tiny screen was a miniature version of DaVinci’s Last Supper. Peter stood in the center of the screen, arms out toward the table as the two groups of disciples crowded together to his left and right. In the middle of the table was a loaf of bread broken in half. Mrs. Sanders pushed the phone away and got up from the table. She wanted to run. She wanted to go into the cafeteria, find Peter, pick him up and hold him. Instead she walked in a daze to the staff room door and left her colleagues.

The office was buzzing with noise. Outside of Principal Parker’s office door sat all 12 of the disciples. Mrs. Sanders approached Mrs. Hurst, the school secretary, “Why are they all here?”

Mrs. Hurst signaled Mrs. Sanders to come close, “Wine. Your little fella brought wine to lunch. He passed around a big thermos of red wine to the whole group. He’s in there right now with Bill. We can’t get a hold of his mom and he’s not talkin’.”

“Do you think it would be okay if I went in?”

“Let me call Bill and see.” Mrs. Hurst picked up the phone, dialed Mr. Parker’s extension and whispered, “Rhonda’s out here, should she come in? Okay, okay. I’ll tell her. He says not to go in right now. He’s called CPS since the mom isn’t pickin’ up her phone. It sounds like your little fella is havin’ a tough time and Bill doesn’t want him to get all upset again.”

“Okay, should I wait, or just go back to my class?”

“Just go back Rhonda. We’ll handle it down here.”

Mrs. Sanders wandered back down the halls to her room. She rolled the television cart to the front of the class and found the longest nature video in her collection. When her second-graders returned from lunch recess the room was already dark. Mrs. Sanders said nothing. She turned on the television, pushed play, and the class watched two hours of Planet Earth. When the video was over Mrs. Sanders passed out paper and had the students draw pictures of their favorite animals until the final bell rang.

The next day Peter was not at school. Principal Parker told Mrs. Sanders that Peter had gone to a mental health facility.  Mrs. Sanders taught her class mechanically. She said the words, she did the activities, but she spent most of her energy imagining Peter walking down the white halls of a nondescript hospital, escorted by large men wearing white uniforms.

On the third night Mrs. Sanders dreamt of Peter. He had been placed in the mental ward with all the characters from One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest. Peter was not afraid. He remained calm even when Nurse Ratched screamed at him for wearing his purple robe. He walked the ward laying hands on the patients. He drove demons out of the sick men and made the lame whole again. Each action, each healing, angered Nurse Ratched and she ordered him to stop touching other patients. When Peter refused, she locked him in a small, unlit, white room under her desk and left him there. He banged on the square door with his feet until he was exhausted and then he wept. He promised to be a good boy and to never wear the robe again. Mrs. Sanders awoke and could not get back to sleep.

At five in the morning she finally gave up on sleeping and got up, got dressed and went to her classroom. There was always something to do in her classroom. She sat at her desk staring at Peter’s workstation. She wanted it gone; she wanted to forget about the little boy in the purple robe. She stood up, walked to the desk, and began lifting it. She felt something slide inside the desk as she lifted it. She set it back down and moved around to look inside the belly of the desk. Stuffed in the back of the desk was Peter’s purple robe. She knew it had not been there the day before. She carefully pulled the robe from the desk and held it up to her nose. She breathed in, drawing in traces of Peter. Her tears dappled the purple fabric and she wept.

 

Little Jesus: Part 1

27 Mar

Peter came to his first day of second grade in a purple robe.  Most of the kids arrived with their parents, not Peter; he walked into the class found his desk and sat without saying a word.

Mrs. Sanders wasn’t sure what to do. The first day was difficult for the students, a new class, a new teacher, a new group of friends, and a new way of doing things. Most second graders squirmed in their desks waiting for Mrs. Sanders to start class; Peter sat looking toward the ceiling, his right hand near his chin, index and forefinger raised as if he were preparing to bless someone.

“Good morning, children,” Mrs. Sanders began in the sing-song voice all second grade teachers knew and used. “My name is Mrs. Sanders. Can you say, ‘Good morning, Mrs. Sanders,’ when I say good morning to you? Let’s try that. Good morning, children.”

“Good morning, Mrs. Sanders,” the class said far too loudly.

“Well, aren’t you all full of energy this morning? Did you all have a good summer? I sure did, but I could not wait to start school this year, because I knew all of you would be here.”

Peter raised his hand. Mrs. Sanders hesitated. “Yes?”

Peter stood next to his desk before speaking. “Mrs. Sanders, someone has touched my robe.”

The class was quiet. The squirming stopped. “Someone has touched your robe?”

“Yes. Someone has touched my robe and because of their faith I will heal them.”

“Oh,” Mrs. Sanders paused and drew her hands together by her waist, “we should all be respectful of each other’s things and we shouldn’t touch others unless it is okay.”

“I would like to heal the child who has touched my robes.”

Mrs. Sanders smiled, “Well, Peter, this is a public school. We will have to save the healing for recess.”

“Okay,” Peter turned to the class, “Whoever touched my robe, come see me at recess and I will heal you.” He sat back down, retook his pose, and stared off into the distance.

Mrs. Sanders moved on without pause, but after a moment she noticed half of the class was no longer listening to her and was instead staring toward the ceiling to see what Peter saw. “Children. Children. I need your eyes up here. Let’s take out a pencil and paper and prepare to write about your summer.” The class complied and Mrs. Sanders directed the students in her loving way. When the class was working, she moved around looking to see what the children were writing. When she came to Peter’s desk she was shocked. Colored pencils were spread out across his desktop and there, on his paper, was a large red, illuminated M. The detail stopped Mrs. Sander’s breath, little blue birds flew around the giant M and thick brown ivy branches spread out around the page diminishing into small vines as they moved away from the letter. Peter was highlighting the bottoms of the ivy leaves with a dark green pencil when Mrs. Sanders stopped and bent down, “Did you just do this?”

“Yes, my child,” Peter said without looking up.

“My goodness, Peter. It is lovely.”

“Bless you,” he said turning his face toward her. From a distance, Peter appeared to be just another grubby second grader who’s face needed a good scrubbing, but now that Mrs. Sanders was close she could see that someone had scribbled a brown mustache and beard on his face in eye liner pencil. “Can I finish this tonight and give it to you tomorrow?”

“Certainly, Peter. It is beautiful. You take as much time as you need sweet pea.” Peter turned his face back to the page and continued. Mrs. Sanders walked around the room looking at each child’s paper feeling let down with each second-grader’s effort: Crooked letters, sloppy writing, misspellings, and grammar that would shock an Appalachian.

At recess, Mrs. Sanders watched Peter from behind the classroom window as he walked in his purple robe. He did not climb on the monkey bars, he did not swing on the swings, and he was not interested in playing games. He strolled, left hand holding his robe so it didn’t drag on the ground, right hand in the air making the sign of the cross as he walked. Peter’s lips flexed and protruded in bold movements as if he were speaking to a large group. Mrs. Sanders held her breath as she watched hoping that someone would draw Peter into their circle of friends.

Peter wandered the playground for another minute and then approached another boy. Mrs. Sanders’s jaw tighten as she watched.  The two boys talked, Peter gestured a few times, touched the other boy on the forehead, and then continued his walk. The second boy followed. Within ten minutes Peter had talked to, blessed, and assembled a dozen boys into his flock, all of them trailing behind as Peter strolled through the mob of children towards the swings.

Grace Schrader was swinging high into the morning air when Peter and his flock approached. Peter motioned  and his followers grabbed the chains of her swing stopping her with a jolt. Mrs. Sanders heart raced as she shoved the classroom door open and began to move toward the group in quick, full steps. She could not see what was happening, but before she could move ten feet, Peter had finished his business with Grace. The bell rang and the crowds headed back to their classrooms.

As the children filed in Mrs. Sanders waited for Grace, “Grace, can I speak with you a moment? The rest of you go into class, sit down, and wait.” Mrs. Sanders waited a moment, “Grace, what happened…Grace, where are your glasses?”

“Peter healed my eyes. I don’t need them anymore.”

“What?” Mrs. Sanders bent down next to Grace, “Peter did what?”

“He healed my eyes. I touched his robe and he healed my eyes. He rubbed mud on my eyes, and now I can see.”

“He did what?”

“He got some dirt, spit in it, and rubbed it on my eyes. Now I can see without my glasses.”

Mrs. Sanders looked at Grace’s eyelids; she could see where Peter’s grubby little fingers left their muddy mark. “Okay, go in and sit down.”

Mrs. Sanders spent most of “Math Time” worrying. She could not quiet the inner dialogue spinning in her head. Somehow, she wasn’t sure how, but somehow all of this was going to fall on her doorstep. She was going to be asked why she didn’t do something about the little boy who had gone mad in her class. She tried to teach math, but her heart wasn’t in it, she wanted a cigarette, three shots of Crown Royal, and a bowl of Ben and Jerry’s.

The staff room was already noisy by the time Mrs. Sanders arrived to eat lunch.

“Hey, Rhonda, one of my kids told me last period he became a disciple of one of your kids,” Mr. Raymond blurted out before she had taken two steps into room. “Sounds like you’ve got a real live one on your hands this year.”

“Yes, Peter Jones. Who had Peter Jones last year?” Mrs. Sanders asked as she moved toward the long table.

“Peter Jones?” Mrs. Miller said. “I had Peter last year. He was very quiet. What’s he doing this year?”

Before Mrs. Sanders could answer, Mr. Raymond cut in, “He’s dressed up like little Jesus walkin’ around the playground converting disciples. I’ve got two in my class after last recess. By the end of today he will have the whole second and third grade converted.”

“Is that right, Rhonda?” Mrs. Miller asked.

“Yep, pretty much. He showed up this morning, all by himself, dressed like he was ready for Halloween. He healed Grace Schrader during first recess and now she is insisting that she doesn’t need glasses any longer.”

“He healed Grace Schrader!” Mr. Raymond laughed, slapping the table, “I’ve got a few to send his way if he is healing kids. Tommy Maddox, anybody know Tommy Maddox? Woo, what a piece of work this kid is.”

“Well, good luck contacting Peter’s mother,” Mrs. Miller said. “She’s a tough one to find. Phone’s disconnected. No email. I don’t think she showed up for a single conference. I talked to her just once when I ran into her in Wal-Mart. I wouldn’t have recognized her but Peter saw me and started yelling my name. Cute kid. I think she told me her husband had been shipped out to Iraq. Does that sound right? Anybody know the family?”

None of the teachers responded. “Great,” Mrs. Sanders said digging into her lunch bag. “Any advice?”

“Stay on his good side.  I hear his father can be a real fire and brimstone kind-of guy,” Mr. Raymond laughed pointing at the ceiling.

Outside, on the playground, Peter’s twelve disciples gathered around the domed monkey bars and watched as he climbed to the top. The recess monitors, Mrs. Ware and Ms. Mendez, were mediating a dispute on the kickball field and did not notice the little boy dressed in a purple robe climbing to the top of the dome. What the monitors did notice was the silence that covered the playground. When the monitors turned back to the play area they saw what would be termed from this day forward as “The Sermon on the Monkey Bars.” Little Peter Jones stood like the spike on a German Pickedhaube helmet atop the dome; all of the Meadow Lane Elementary school students surrounded the little boy in the purple robe in a silent trance. There was no pushing or screaming, it was silent.

The playground monitors had not been trained to deal with situations like this, so they did not interrupt. “This is a bit weird,” Ms. Mendez said to Mrs. Ware.

“Well, I’ll have something to talk about around the dinner table tonight,” said Mrs. Ware.

“Yah, how was your day honey? Oh, it was good. I watched a little boy dressed in a purple robe perform a miracle. He got every kid on the playground to shut up at once,” Ms. Mendez said.

“Do you think we should have him come down?”

“And interrupt this silence? No way. If he falls he’s just going to land on top of the kids. This is a win-win for us,” Ms. Mendez said out of the corner of her mouth.

“I like the way you think, Ruth. Is he reciting from the bible?”

“Sounds like it. Weird.”

“Yep, weird. Who is that kid?” asked Mrs. Ware.

“Dunno. I don’t recognize him. I’ll tell you this; I like him. He can come preach here every recess.”

Peter preached to the multitude in King James English, “Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted. Blessed are the meek: for they shall inherit the earth. Blessed are they that do hunger and thirst after righteousness: for they shall be filled.” He did not rush through the language like a student who memorized something for class, but he spoke in a practiced, perfect tone. He paused. He turned toward different groups. He moved his hands dramatically. He raised his voice to a shout and shook his fist. He comforted and cajoled. He spoke with a conviction that moved even Mrs. Ware and Ms. Mendez, and when the recess bell rang the students did not move until Peter concluded with, “Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect. Bless you my children.”

As Peter climbed down from his perch the crowd parted and then scattered as if nothing unusual had happened during the first lunch recess of the year. Peter returned to class, sat in his seat, and stared at the ceiling until a note came from the office requesting his presence. Ms. Sanders bent down next to Peter and handed him the note, “Don’t worry sweetie, you’re not in trouble. Someone just wants to talk to you.”

Peter turned to Ms. Sanders, looked her in the eyes, “I knew one of you would betray me.”

Peter was gone the rest of the day.

After school Mrs. Sanders prepped for the next day, she added the number two to the timeline; she watered the plants, and went through the student paragraphs about what they did during the summer. A few of the students had gone to Disneyland, one had traveled to Dinosaur National Park, but most wrote about watching TV or playing video games. After finishing the papers Mrs. Sanders realized that Peter’s was not there. She got up, walked over to Peter’s “work station” and looked inside the belly of his desk. It was empty except for a single sheet of paper sitting in the back corner. Mrs. Sanders reached in, pulled out the paper, looked at it, and collapsed. She curled into a ball sobbing.  She held the paper away from her body as if trying to escape from it, the illuminated letters, words, and image pressed into her brain. Bright red text flowed across the page, surrounded by elaborate ivy, running around the corners of the page and ending in a small skull in the bottom right hand corner of the page. The five words burned into Mrs. Sanders: “My daddy died this summer.” Filling the space on the page was a stick figure drawing of a man hanging from a tree.

Award Season Arrives South of the Strait

21 Mar

leibster-award

My blog (the one you are currently reading) was recently recognized for being extra-special by the blog Snoozing on the Sofa. Since Snoozing is one of my favorite blogs I was happy. If you haven’t run across Scott’s writing yet, you should. Like most fathers Scott attempts to find the fine balance between being a kid himself and getting in trouble with his wife. His recent trip to the Monster Truck rally is a good example of how fine parenting decisions sometimes result in being at a Monster Truck rally.

The second part of being nominated for a blog award is to tell readers something about yourself, so here it goes:

1. John Denver gave me $5. I always lead with this one, but when John Denver gives you $5 you file that one away. No, I did not keep the $5, I spent it like every bit of money that has ever made it into my pocket.

2. I say that I am 6’6″, but I am probably closer to 6’7″. In my head 6’6″ sounds less freakish. Once you get over six and a half feet you are in a different class and that group is FREAK.  Most people tell me they don’t realize how tall I am until they stand next to me. I don’t know what to do with this information. Maybe I have an optical illusory quality from a distance.

3. I got the travel bug when my family lived in New Zealand for a year. My father was a Presbyterian pastor and he did a pulpit exchange with a pastor from Auckland. Living in another country made me want to see the rest of the world.

4. I have a sister who lives in El Salvador. I have never been to El Salvador. I always say that I can’t afford to fly there, but in reality I am a little scared of El Salvador. For someone who cannot afford to fly to El Salvador I manage to get out of the house  and go places pretty often.

5. I live on the Olympic Peninsula in Washington State. It is supposed to be unusually sunny here since the community is situated in the rain shadow of the Olympic Mountains. We don’t get as much rain as other places, but we still get plenty of gray weather even though the chamber of commerce says it is always sunny here.

6. I try to keep my blog entries to about 500 words.

7. I have an unpublished novel that I think is pretty good.

8. The worst thing I have ever eaten is Sea Slug.

9. I spent a summer cleaning toilets at a church camp. It is still one of my all-time favorite jobs.

10. A stranger once told me that I was going to have a long life and be a very important person. My wife asks me when the important person stuff is going to happen.

Okay, enough of that, the last part of these blogger awards is to point out a couple of blogs that I really like that have fewer than 200 followers. I will admit that I am not the best blog follower, but I do have a few that I think more people should check out:

The Perpetual Passenger : The Perpetual Passenger is written by an American living in Paris. She does a great job of expressing the tension of being an American in another country. Her travels around the continent are fun to follow and she has some great photography.

The Kiwi Blog Bus – campervan tales from New Zealand: Traveling around New Zealand in a campervan is about as good as it could get. The fact that it is summer in New Zealand right now kills me, but I will get over it eventually. The Blog Bus really brings the natural beauty of the country to life.

Everyday life in Vienna: I have never been to Vienna, but I will be there this summer so I started following this blog. What I realized through Everyday Life in Vienna is that I won’t have enough time to visit all the great places in Vienna.

Thanks for reading and stay out of trouble.

The Summer of Jon: There’s an App for that

14 Mar

I am one of those annoying people who love Apple products. My first computer was an Apple IIe and I have never strayed. My nerd friends have given me grief over my loyalty to Apple because they are nerds and knew something about the flux capacitor that Dell Computers used. “Did you know that the Apple III uses a processor that can only push 10 megabits of information every 10 seconds, but the new Dell can push 12? And it costs $100 less than your Apple III.” (I don’t really know how to express nerd talk because it annoys me so much that I don’t really pay any attention to it. I listened to three guys arguing about X-box 360 verses the PS3 the other day in a pizza place and it ruined my day. It wasn’t like I was eavesdropping, they were just loud and so stupid they could not be ignored.) Anyway, I have taken my fair share of shots back at the nerd crew who disdain Apple products, but in reality, I know nothing about computers and my criticisms are not effective. It’s like trying to explain why you bought a new car to a gear head. “I wanted to buy a car/computer that worked. I like the way it works. I like the way it looks. I know it is more expensive, but I just want to put gas in it and then drive it. I don’t need to know how it works.” These responses usually drew lots of honking laughter sounds from the nerds/gear heads.

My only effective arguments about Apple products verses any other computer company come down to this: Would you rather have an iPod or a Zune? If you said Zune, there is no hope for you. You will soon be meeting in a church basement with 10 other people in what I will loosely call a “support group.”

My second argument revolves around Microsoft’s stupid use of two spaces between paragraphs as a default setting in Microsoft Word. Why Microsoft? Why? Why? Why? I have learned to live with it, but I hate it. I even hate how I have given up the fight on my blog. I don’t even try to indent my paragraphs anymore. It is a sad state of affairs, and it is the main reason I like Apple because it has always been a computer company that thinks of form as much as they think about function.

As I approach the countdown to The Summer of Jon I have scoured the App store looking for the right travel Apps and various other pieces of software for my trip. I have a few favorites, but my new all-time favorite App for travel is TripIt. TripIt is one of those programs (Do we still call them programs?) that manages all of your travel details. My Summer of Jon trip is going to be more complicated than other trips I have taken. I’m hitting multiple cities over a longer period than I have ever done before. I have to keep track of a bunch of hotel reservations, flights, and stuff I want to see. In the dark ages, I would print out reservations and pack five travel books for every city I’m hitting, but during the Summer of Jon I will be keeping all that information in my little TripIt app. Each time I make a reservation for a hotel or flight, I get a confirmation email that I forward to TripIt. TripIt magically (nerd magic I assume) puts that reservation into my little file. If I want to visit the penis museum in Iceland then I just add that to my itinerary on the date I want to go. If I have an address for the penis museum, I can add that and the app will map it for me. (Yes, there is a penis museum in Iceland. Why would I go there? I’m not sure, but weird stuff like that is what the Summer of Jon is all about.)

Will this little app prevent me from making stupid mistakes? No, I will manage to make at least 100 mistakes during my trip, but that is what makes travel great: getting lost, going to the wrong hotel, eating the wrong thing, watching television in a language I don’t understand, and being confused by the norms of another culture. I can’t wait.

 

 

Weighing, Measuring, Quantifying and Ruining Beauty

12 Mar

“But when the most scholarly of men have taught me that light is a vibration, or have calculated it wavelengths for me, or offered me any other fruits of their labors of reasoning, they will not have rendered me an account of what is important to me about light, of what my eyes have begun to teach me about it, of what makes me different from a blind man–things which are the stuff of miracles, not subject matter for reasoning.”- Louis Aragon “Paris Peasant”

When I read this the other night I had one of my rare “Ahah” moments. Aragon is right, just because we can measure something, or understand what something is, that doesn’t translate into what makes it important. At some point in human history, someone decided everything can be measured and quantified, valued and packaged for sale. This act of quantifying or valuing items has driven mankind to achieve great things, but it has also taken the love of creation away and replaced it with a different external motivation. This motivation has become so insidious that we no longer recognize it for what it is: greed.

I’m not talking about money, but that is how our societies have translated value, I’m talking about why we do anything. It seems to me that hardly anything is done for the act itself anymore. (I know this is a wild generalization, but that is what I do at 5 am.) We teach our children about greed in very subtle ways. We place a value on learning not by valuing learning itself, but by valuing the product of that “learning”: a grade. The grade becomes the valued outcome and learning is soon tossed aside. I’m not suggesting that learning is no longer valued, it is, it just isn’t measured. We have convinced ourselves that learning can be quantified just like light. It can’t.

In my opinion, which is the only opinion that has real value in this little rant, learning and beauty are closely related because neither can really be measured in a true way. We can develop testing instruments, but when it really comes down to it something beautiful is just beautiful. The most beautiful things I have read, seen, and experienced cannot be explained in any true sense. They cannot be quantified.

Somehow mankind has convinced itself that we can quantify learning; we can measure it, weigh it, place a grade on it, and eventually turn it a monetary value. Somewhere along the way we have lost the purpose of learning, or we have changed the purpose of learning from something of value  in itself into a commodity. That commodity is a job.

In America the end goal of all education is a job. There it is, I just wrote it. Why else would you learn anything? If you can’t put a number on it and place a value on it, then it isn’t important. If you don’t need it to become a working citizen in our country, then why learn it?

This mode of thinking might have helped during the industrial revolution, but today people need to understand that learning itself should be valued again. We don’t know enough about the future (and I’m not talking about the Blade Runner/George Jetson world of  the future, but the real world of change) to truly prepare the workers of the future. We should be training students to work outside of the box, to think critically, and to wonder, but instead we keep narrowing the box and making the box smaller and smaller in hopes that someday we will have the highest test scores in the world. What a wonderful goal: #1 in testing.

It reminds me a bit of training a basketball player to be great by making them shoot 10,000 free throws a day. That player may be able to knock down 99% of those free throws, but if they can’t play the game, and play the game creatively, then they will never end up on the free throw line anyway. While the player may be the best at shooting free throws (which is a valuable commodity in a game of basketball) the skill itself doesn’t translate into the real world. In the real world a great basketball player can see the defense, adjust, dribble, fake, and get fouled. Only after being fouled does the practice of shooting free throws matter.

I believe our educational system is shooting free throws. We are adding up our makes and misses, people are judging how many of our free throws are made and placing a value on those shots, and then we find out that China is shooting more free throws than us, so we shoot more so we can be the best free throw shooting nation in the world. What America hasn’t figured out is what made American basketball the best. It wasn’t the free throw shooting. It was the creativity of our game. It was the ability to adjust in mid-air. It was seeing the open man before he was open. We became the best because we played and loved the game for itself, it is the only reason people put 10,000 hours into something, because they love it.

We don’t love learning (basketball) anymore. We love what learning gets us: a job, money, security, a 401k, insurance… but learning itself has been sullied by an emphasis on measurement. We have moved away from valuing the beauty of learning and bought into the idea that learning has to have an end to justify it, it has to be measurable.

A scientist might be able to tell me how the sunrise is formed, but they can’t tell me why it is beautiful. Oh, they can probably make a rubric that would break a beautiful sunrise into pieces to measure its beauty, but who would want to ruin a sunrise by trying to measure it?

Learning is the stuff of miracles; it is light.

 

Just Because You Call it a Rembrandt Exhibit Doesn’t Make it One

5 Mar

I am no Art expert. I have never taken an Art Appreciation class, but I do have opinions about Art. When it comes to paintings I know what I like and have read enough about Art to discuss paintings like someone who knows what they are talking about, but there is some Art that I just don’t like or understand so when I went to see the traveling exhibit at the Seattle Art Museum recently I had some high expectations. First off the exhibit is called: Rembrandt, Van Dyck, Gainsborough: The Treasures of Kenwood House, London. The title of the exhibit might lead one to believe that somebody cleared out the Kenwood House and brought all the Rembrandt’s with them, but the title of the exhibition is a little deceptive in my opinion. The real title should have been this: One Painting by Rembrandt and a Bunch of Other Paintings Nobody Really Cares About: The Stuff the Kenwood House Won’t Really Miss. 

In an effort to fully disclose, there were lots of Rembrandt sketches there, most of them the size of a gum wrapper, but when you title an exhibit “Rembrandt…” you should be doing so because of the alphabet or because of the number of paintings. You don’t just get to name a traveling exhibit whatever you want, there has to be some honesty left in museums.

Now I like Rembrandt and a few of the other Flemish guys, and I know that he is the “master of light” and all that stuff, but most of the art from Rembrandt’s time period bores me. I usually race walk through sections of the museum with all the “dark paintings” as I call them. Sure it’s interesting to see how an artist can use color to deceive the eye into thinking there is a light source, but those paintings usually depress me a little bit as I consider how happy everybody looks to have one tiny candle lighting up their table. I end up thinking about how it must be Winter and how it probably smells like mold in the little house where everybody is gathered around this tiny candle, and then I wonder if there is a good café in the museum where I can get a warm cup of coffee.

My next beef with the exhibit is that is says: The Treasures of the Kenwood House, that would lead one to believe that the Kenwood House’s treasures are visiting Seattle, so I went expecting to see a Vermeer. I know where most of the Vermeers are in the world (yes, it is a little crazy, but he didn’t crank out a million of them like Monet) and I know that the Kenwood House has one. Why? (Warning: Nerd alert) Well I heard the author of The Girl with the Pearl Earring talking about visiting the Kenwood House while I listened to NPR, so I went to SAM expecting to see a Vermeer. Unfortunately Vermeer’s painting did not make the trip, maybe there was trouble with the painting’s Visa, or the dude running the Kenwood House figured those bumpkins in Seattle wouldn’t know the difference.

Rembrandt - Self-Portrait - WGA19221

Rembrandt – Self-Portrait

The one Rembrandt painting they did get was a good one: Portrait of the Artist. Most of us have seen it at some point, it’s the one where Rembrandt looks like he just woke up, tossed on some clothes and looked in the mirror and was not happy with what he saw. He has on a little baker’s hat, some kind of house coat, and is holding his painting gear. It is not a flattering painting, which I like because it is real. I get the feeling that Rembrandt rolled out of bed, put on his goofy hat and looked in the mirror and went, “Meh, I guess I’ll paint myself today.” I’m not sure if he is unhappy with his painting or what he looks like, but I like his attitude which seems to say, “This is as good as it’s going to get ladies. I’m a famous painter so I’m not going to get all dressed up this morning.” Almost all the rest of the paintings in the exhibit were portraits where the ladies were all dolled up looking elegant and lovely. I am not a fan of those eight foot tall paintings of rich ladies and their dogs. If I wanted that kind of Art I would turn on the Bravo channel and watch one of the 100,000 shows about housewives.

There was one other painting in the bunch that I did like, it was a Turner painting of some sailors on the beach. There were two boats on the sand and one in the middle of the breaking waves. The boat still in the water was turned up and looked to be having a tough time of it which is what I like about Turner. He gives his paintings lots of action. All of the seascape paintings I have seen by Turner are awesome, but he doesn’t get his name on the marquee.

So, if it is a rainy day and you want to see one Rembrandt painting and a bunch of forgetful stuff from the Kenwood House, I would suggest shelling out a couple bucks and checking out the SAM exhibit. If it is sunny I would suggest finding a park and pretending summer is just a few months away.

The Things I Didn’t Really Need to Carry

4 Mar

I have read several hiking books where the author lists off the ridiculous items that they decided to carry in their backpack. Bill Bryson spends time in his book A Walk in the Woods describing all the gear he thinks he will need on his hike. Cheryl Strayed does the same thing in Wild. Carrying a huge bag loaded to the brim is a mistake for the rookie hiker. Most hikers spend time trying to lighten their load and some hikers go to extremes to save an ounce here or there by sawing off toothbrush handles and shopping for the lightest tent.

 

The first backpacking trip I took included some really dumb items that no experienced hiker would ever consider carrying but what I discovered was that carrying a 70 pound pack around for 20 miles helped me think about what I really needed. Not only does it clear your mind it hurts your whole body. It turns out that carrying wet clothing in a plastic bag does not make them lighter, in fact you don’t need two extra pairs of jeans, or any jeans because cotton fabrics don’t dry unless you put them in a dryer or hang them on a clothes line for 10 hours. These epiphanies usually do not occur to me until I am waist deep into some trip, but I try not to make the same mistake more than once.

When it comes to international travel I tend to carry too much stuff but during the Summer of Jon I am limiting myself to one carry-on bag. This limitation has more to do with being cheap than anything else, but it has me considering what I should take along and what I should leave behind.

My greatest vice when it comes to travel is books. I like to take several books with me, but I never read them. I just lug them from place to place. I carried four books with me the last time I was in Europe. I didn’t read a single one. I just carried them like idiots do. This summer I will be taking zero books. I will be taking an iPad which can carry a bunch of books inside it and it doesn’t weigh any more. I already put a few books on the iPad which I have every intention of reading but I think once I am rolling I won’t be digging into Moby Dick again.

Another book related vice I have is buying museum guides. I just can’t help myself. I buy the guide (usually the big one with all the paintings listed and described) bring it home and put it on one of my bookshelves. The guides look nice and I do look at them once every 15 years, but carrying 10 museum guides around Europe is just stupid when I can probably buy the same guide from Amazon and have it brought to my home without carrying it around Europe.

The most difficult decision for this trip is whether to take a rain jacket or not. If I take a rain jacket I am certain that Europe will experience the warmest July in the history of the continent. If I leave the jacket behind there will be rain everywhere I go. It works that way. The hottest summer in European history was the summer I spent in hotels without air conditioning. There is a pretty good chance I will see poor weather in Iceland and Norway, but should I take a little rain coat or a big one? It isn’t like my big jacket weighs 50 pounds, but all it takes is a serious of poor choices and the next thing you know you are carrying wet jeans in a plastic bag for 90 miles.

Good thing I have four more months to plan.

 

When the Planning’s Done

1 Mar

The epic travel adventure story never includes a section titled: Over Planning. Why? Because all epic travel stories are about what went wrong, nobody cares about a perfectly executed travel story (unless it is a travel story where Navy Seals are involved.) What most people like to read about are trips where a multitude of things go wrong. Shackleton’s trips to cold places, the Donner Party, Cheryl Strayed’s novel Wild and almost every story written about mountain climbing are examples of how we like to read about other people’s misfortunate mistakes. Some of this fascination probably revolves around the fact that we like to avoid painful situations, but we also enjoy reading about other people’s pain, especially if they are bragging about their great trip to Europe and things went a bit wrong.

I am not immune to these mistakes, almost ever trip I have ever been on has had something go wrong. As I have aged (some people get older, I age like cheese or wine) my expectations for a perfect trip have disappeared and I have begun to embrace the things that will inevitably go wrong.

Now that I am almost done with the planning stage for the Summer of Jon, I have begun wondering what will go wrong this summer. The internet has made planning for a big trip much, much easier. You can read reviews of hotels, you can look at pictures, and you can even use Google Earth to see if the hotel actually exists. In the olden days, the days before electricity and such, I would do extensive planning by looking at a map and deciding where to go. Then I would go. Sometimes it worked out just dandy and other times I ended up sleeping on a pool table, or drinking water from a large cistern with a dead animal in it.  Internet planning is not idiot-proof though, I still am able to make dumb mistakes, just ask anyone in my family they can regale you for hours about all the mistakes I have made.

As I wait for July 1st, my temptation is to over plan. I have the basics down (flights, hotels, and a few attractions) but I have to fight with myself to avoid planning each day like I am invading the continent of Europe and not just merely visiting it. Should I find out what traveling exhibits will be at the museums I want to go to? Should I decide today what type of food I will want to eat for lunch on the fifth day of my trip (answer: something cheap)? Should I learn a few phrases of German to help me when I inevitably end up in a bakery getting yelled at? Or should I just arrive and let fate take over? Right now I am comfortable with fate.

Looking back on all my travel, the days that are most vivid are the ones where everything went wrong. There was the British Airways strike that grounded my family in London for two extra days, there was the wind storm that cancelled my train ride to Bacharach and took my family on an epic sojourn that only Ulysses could truly understand, there was the day we went to a water-park in Paris only to be turned away because I refused to wear a Speedo, and there was the day I took a bike ride to Versailles in a Biblical, Noah and the Ark rainstorm. I hated those days, but as I look back on those days I am reminded why those days are so valuable. Those bad days make the great ones that much better.

 

 

My State of the Union: We Lack Good Meat Pies

19 Feb

Most Americans have never had a good meat/savory pie. Why? I don’t really know, but yesterday I was in Seattle and drove by a restaurant named Pie. I nearly drove off the road turning my head to see if they had meat pies or if it was just another attempt to miniaturize a dessert food and sell it to me with a cup of $5 coffee. It was not. I turned my vehicle around, decided to eat lunch an hour before I had planned and soon found myself trying to decide which savory pie I was going to order.

Meat Pies

When I lived in New Zealand for a year I discovered meat pies and when I say I discovered them I mean I discovered them like Columbus discovered America. Meat pies had always been there (or at least as long as I had been alive which is all it takes to exist forever in my book) but I discovered how tasty meat pies were at my school: Mount Roskill Grammar. A few of my mates (that’s what we call each other in NZ) bought meat pies at the little food stand in the courtyard where seagulls pooped on everyone and there was a large painted sign on the roof of the school building that said, “Yankee Go Home.” I think the sign was meant for someone else and it never really bothered me because after being in NZ for a week I considered myself a Kiwi because I learned to say “Mate” and took a liking to tea and piekelts. Anyway, I ate my first meat pie (yes, I had eaten the American version of a meat pie: the awful pot pie) and decided that these New Zealanders had discovered the perfect way to eat a meal, put it in a crust and make it delicious.

A VERY delicious lamb and rosemary meat pie, a...

A VERY delicious lamb and rosemary meat pie, at the Milawa Cheese Factory. (from Flickr) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

When I returned to NZ a few years later, savory pies were on my list of things to eat. This list included anything less than $2. Around the corner from where I put in some time (we won’t call it working because that sounds like I would need a Visa to do something like that) was a pie shop. They had a metric ton of pies: Chicken and cheese, steak and bacon, lamb, bacon and egg, chicken curry, steak and mushroom, chicken and mushroom… Each day during a little break from my activities I walked to the corner and ate two meat pies, my goal was to try all the good sounding ones and even a couple bad sounding ones. I ate many, many pies during breaks from activities.

Homemade curry chicken pot pies.

Homemade curry chicken pot pies. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

So yesterday when I saw the pie shop, my heart did a little leap, I carefully turned my car around,  found a free parking space, and scampered into the pie shop. The variety was limited: Chicken, beef, pork, steak and peppers, bacon and egg, and then several vegetarian flavors that I ignored, but the three pies I ate were all good.

Why aren’t there pie shops on corners all over America? What is wrong with us? There are four terrible Mexican restaurants in every city in America, but trying to find a pie shop is like trying to find a teenager that doesn’t say “like” every other word. Come on America! We can do better. I propose that we set a goal to be the #1 meat pie producing nation in the world within five years. I don’t think there is a great deal of competition out there. If we can map the human genome, fly to the moon, and spend more money than all the rest of the world on defense (weapons) then surely we can lead the world in meat pie production. Don’t do it for me, do it for the millions of Americans who have never had the pleasure of a great meat pie.

I saw the sun in Seattle one winter day

13 Feb
Mount Rainier enjoying a sunny day.

Mount Rainier enjoying a sunny day.

I have a love/hate relationship with Seattle. I love Seattle, but I hate paying for parking so most of my trips to Seattle are on foot. I don’t walk all the way from my home…I drive to a ferry, walk onboard and then stroll the streets of Seattle. On a sunny day this walking thing is a pretty good idea, but when it is raining I will sometimes pay the cost of parking because I am a wimp and don’t want to get my shoes wet. Recently I had to drive into Seattle and it was a sunny day, this convergence of opposites is sometimes known as a miracle, but I like to think of it as a coincidence.

That's not smog, that's called mist.

That’s not smog, that’s called mist.

Once we (me and my two favorite ladies) arrived in Seattle we headed for the Fremont area. Fremont calls itself the “center of the universe” although I believe Galileo said it wasn’t. It was one of the reasons he was excommunicated. The church may have forgiven him, but Fremont still hasn’t. Fremont has a troll that lives under a bridge, a rocket, a large statue of Lenin, and an annual naked bike ride.

We were a little early for our scheduled appointment, so we headed for Gas Works Park.  Morning frost covered the ground and there were icy patches in the parking lot. As we walked through the parking lot  I was surprised to see a little girl with her dad and a sled.

Sledding Seattle style: a hill, some frost, and no fear.

Sledding Seattle style: a hill, some frost, and no fear.

They climbed to the top of the hill in Gas Works Park and she took off sledding down the hill. It is a steep hill, a dangerous hill, and the little girl loved it. I was envious, but I was not dressed for sledding, so I did what most adults do, I stood around wishing I was younger.

On top of the hillside is a cement solstice calendar and one of the best views of the city. My daughter poked holes in the ice of the solstice calendar and I took pictures like a tourist with an itchy trigger finger.

The top of the hill in Gasworks Park.

The top of the hill in Gasworks Park.

The old gas works area is now surrounded by an attractive, aging, rusted, barbed-wire fence to prevent lawsuits or injuries or to give homeless people a challenge. I’m not a historian and I don’t want to look up information on Gas Works Park so the next few sentences are going to be fiction (lies). Gas Works Park was originally a set from the Mad Max movies. The Australian government gave it to the city of Seattle as a gift of goodwill (like the French and the Statue of Liberty.) Today the gasworks are used to form a pocket of rust in the downtown area as a metaphoric reminder of the approach of death that we all face.

Gasworks Park. Famous for looking like a zombie movie set.

Gas Works Park. Famous for looking like a zombie movie set.

Seaplane approaching landing.

Seaplane approaching landing.

The Olympic Mountain Range hiding beneath the Aurora Bridge.

The Olympic Mountain Range hiding beneath the Aurora Bridge.

After about 20 minutes of winter sun and cold, we headed back to Fremont for coffee and our appointment. Fremont is a great little pocket of Seattle. American neighborhoods could learn a lot from Fremont, but I think most American neighborhoods don’t understand Fremont’s ironic sense of humor. While some neighborhoods line their streets with Neighborhood Watch signs, Fremont went out and bought an old rocket. The statue of Lenin was probably picked up on eBay (this is a lie, the statue predates eBay) and the Troll is just cool. The message of Fremont is perfect: Dude, take it easy. Why you all stressed out?

Fremont's own rocket.

Fremont’s own rocket.

Israel has the Iron Dome, Freemont has this.

Israel has the Iron Dome, Fremont has this.

After our visit to Fremont we decided to head to Capitol Hill area. I really hadn’t traveled to Capitol Hill much before a year ago because I was an idiot. I have begun to remedy this situation by visiting this little hipster enclave whenever we are driving in the city. I am clueless about Hipsters and so I will make some wild generalizations intended to be funny and not offensive. If you are sitting at a cafe reading this in jeans that you stole from your sister, don’t get your pant legs all rolled up.

As far as I can tell being a Hipster means wearing clothing that looks used, is two sizes too small, and if you are a guy you must have some type of strange facial hair. The male version of Hipsterdom confuses me a great deal. In my opinion there is nothing more uncomfortable than a tight pair of jeans. I am not suggesting I never wore tight jeans, but that was the 80s and the jeans were paper-thin and soft. Today the jeans look like they have been dipped in starch and are so tight and small that I am certain hospitals in the area have to have special scissors to cut them off when a hipster ends up at the hospital after falling off his one-speed bike. (Come on kids, put on a helmet when you are on a bike. This isn’t Breaking Away, I believe that movie was shot in Indiana.)

It was lunchtime so we went to Oddfellows.

Hipster food place on Capitol Hill.

Hipster food place on Capitol Hill.

See, I told you it was a hipster place. That is Oly beer in there.

See, I told you it was a hipster place. That is Oly beer in there.

Now you don’t need a PhD to eat at Oddfellows, but you do need to pay attention. So here’s a guide so you don’t look like an idiot: 1. Stand in line, 2. Read the big menu on the wall, 3. When you get to the front, order your meal, 4) Don’t pay anything. Don’t take out a credit card. Don’t give the person working a CASH REGISTER anything resembling money. Why? I don’t know, but most often people nearest the CASH REGISTER are the ones you pay, but not in Oddfellows. In Oddfellows you get a little table number from the person working the CASH REGISTER. 5) Go sit at a long table with the other hipsters. You can talk about things like hair gels and where to buy the best child sized suit vests. 6) When your waiter brings you your food looking like he just stepped off a farm (gumboots? really? I am super confused about this whole thing) eat. 7) When you finish eating, pay the waiter.

IMG_0467

Hipster foodies: Communal tables, order here, sit there, waiters in gumboots.

After our meal, the food was good, we strolled next door to Elliott Bay Book Co. I like Elliot Bay Book Co. and I like books, but it is sad to me that the bookstore is about half its old downtown size, its like it moved to Capitol Hill and lost 100 pounds. It does have all the elements of a great bookstore in my opinion: books, and odd smells.

My favorite side street in Capitol Hill. Elliot Bay Bookstore and hipster food.

My favorite side street in Capitol Hill. Elliot Bay Bookstore and hipster food.

Our final stop was at some cupcake place. I ran into my first cupcake shop about five years ago in San Francisco. I never really gave much thought to cupcakes until then, but these days if I want something sweet, cupcake shops are a good place to spend too much money for a little snack.

Bacon and Bourbon cupcake? Thank you, may I have another? Also located on Capitol Hill.

Bacon and Bourbon cupcake? Thank you, may I have another? Also located on Capitol Hill.

The sun was dropping and we had a good day, so it was time for the long slog home. A ferry ride, a drive, a few stops along the way and then home. Thank you sunny Seattle.

Wait…Lance Cheated?

17 Jan

I have not seen the Oprah interview with Lance Armstrong, but I am certain that I will soon be bombarded with the juicy parts. According to my sources, the internet, Lance has admitted to doping during his multiple victories in the Tour de France. Armstrong will now be taken to the stocks and flogged for his cheating, his lying, and his lack of character; there is no surprise there because that is how we operate in the United States. We like our heroes to be better than us, wiser than us, stronger than us , and more ethical than us; and when they aren’t  we like to tear them to shreds. Sometimes our Puritan heritage screams for blood and it is our responsibility to start filling buckets with the blood of our once admired heroes. We might even have to go on FaceBook and change our relationship status with our hero to “it’s complicated.”

I will not be changing my relationship status with Mr. Armstrong.

But…but he cheated. So, let me understand this argument fully, he cheated in a race where everyone cheats? Those of you who feel betrayed by Lance need to take a good look in the mirror. Did you really think he won all those races without cheating? This is the sport where 25 year old guys die in their sleep, guys who never tested positive for doping, guys who were in fantastic physical condition, and for some reason their hearts can’t manage to keep pumping when they are asleep. These are they guys that Lance beat and you were operating under the impression that he wasn’t cheating?

But…but he was cruel to anyone who reported him as a cheater. Yep, he tossed so many teammates under the bus that they had to get new busses each year (and new teammates.) Lance is not going to win any humanitarian awards for his behavior with his teammates, but what do you expect from someone who is trying to be first across the line? If you know people who win, you know they often will do whatever it takes to win. Tossing a few teammates beneath the wheels is no way to win “Sportsman of the Year” (wait, yes it is) but Armstrong wasn’t trying to win awards for being a good person, he was trying to win a race. Does that make him a jerk? Yep, but he is the jerk who won the race.

But..but what about all the cancer survivors who looked to him for inspiration? They can still look to Armstrong for inspiration. He did beat cancer. He has also inspired many, many people in their fight. Do I think he did this out of the goodness of his heart? No, but that doesn’t matter to me. I am not going to be a strict Kantian ethicist on this one. I do think the end justifies the means when it comes to cheating in a bike race and inspiring millions to fight against cancer. Call me what you want, but sometimes being a cheater and a jerk is okay.

But…but what about the kids? Okay, let me put it all out there. I think sports are filled with cheaters. I think Michael Phelps cheated, I think about 90% of the Gold Medal winners in the Olympics cheated, I think most professional athletes are doing whatever they can to give themselves an edge. Does this make me a cynical old man? Sure, but at least I am not going to hold up some person as a paragon of virtue only to find out later that they were not perfect. Nobody is perfect and the last place we should be looking for ethical perfection is in sports. People at the highest level of sports are paid to win. Winners win because they do whatever it takes to win. If you want virtuous athletes watch Chariots of Fire.

Lance Armstrong is a flawed human being, so is pretty much anybody who has walked the face of the earth. Even Oprah is flawed folks, even Oprah…

 

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